‘I WAS A BURDEN AND I GAVE THEM THE EASY WAY OUT’: A STORY OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THE HOSPITALITY INDUSTRY

FORMER BARTENDER LUCA GRASSO*, 31, SHARES HIS EXPERIENCE OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN A LOW-RIGHTS INDUSTRY — AND WHY HE IS GRATEFUL FOR IT.

By Clara Günthner

WARNING: This story contains discussions of sexual harassment, suicide and substance abuse

Photo credit: Louis Hansel // Unsplash

I was very good at my job. The work was fine and I could do it easily. People tend to exploit that. I worked in hospitality for twelve years. It’s not like I just woke up one day and decided, this is it. No, it was a very long process. I only got out after the sexual harassment.

It’s probably something that happens in the industry, but before it happened to me, I didn’t realise to what extent. I’m a man. I didn’t notice it. Now I’m more aware.

At the time, I was a bartender in a restaurant. Behind the bar, we were a team of five men: four Italians and a French guy. Most Italian men I’ve met are quite patriarchal. Some people say they’re just childish, they say boys will be boys, but it can be dangerous. I’m Italian and that’s what I’ve seen. One colleague would constantly judge women’s appearances and it was normal for him to use the word faggot a lot. I told him not to say it. I had to explain to him why. I probably didn’t convince him, but he stopped.

One evening, we had a staff party. I was talking to one of my colleagues and the guy came up to us and barged into the conversation. He said: “Give me a kiss and a hug!” I told him, no, because I don’t like people touching me.

“IF I HAD LET HIM DO IT, IT WOULD HAVE ENDED RIGHT THERE. BUT AT THAT MOMENT, I DIDN’T WANT TO. I JUST HAD A FEELING.”

He kept asking but I kept saying no until he came at me. I ran away and screamed for help. He chased after me. It was serious, he wasn’t going to stop. When I was screaming for help, nobody even turned their head.

If I had let him do it, it would have ended right there. But at that moment, I didn’t want to. I just had a feeling. Eventually, he caught up with me and did what he had to do. He hugged me. He kissed me. And then I told him to fuck off.

I didn’t want to leave the party just because of him, I didn’t want to give him that power. So I stayed and tried to enjoy the evening but I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t really there.

I thought I could just forget about everything and go back to normal, but I couldn’t. I reported what had happened to my manager. She was very understanding at the beginning, very human. I was surprised. I remember telling her: “I’m surprised this is going so well.” But then it went downhill very quickly.

At first, I requested shifts on the floor because then, at least, I didn’t have to work with him. At that point, working in the presence of three straight Italian men was a little daunting. They gave him a warning but in the end, I was told that what he did to me wasn’t bad enough for him to receive a punishment

“SOME PEOPLE STILL THINK IT’S YOUR FAULT WHEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS TO YOU.”

From my point of view, they should have sent him home. But instead, they told me I could work at another branch although he was the one who had made a mistake. The point is, he was making me uncomfortable and they let him.

Eventually, I told them I didn’t want to go back to work. They offered me one month’s pay and let me leave the company. I was a burden and I gave them the easy way out. I’m a little pissed about that. I should have got a lawyer because what they did was not okay. I knew I had rights, but I wasn’t in a mental state to use them.

When I call this sexual harassment, some people may say it’s an exaggeration. Some people still think that it’s your fault when something like this happens to you. And maybe the fact that I’m a man made some people take it less seriously. But for me, it was a traumatic experience. It affected me so much.

Photo credit: Andrik Langfield // Unsplash

I couldn’t go to work anymore. I just couldn’t. And I knew that, eventually, the money would be gone but I didn’t have the strength to look for a different job. I was smoking a lot of weed to keep myself chill but one day, I just started to cry and didn’t stop. I went into a very deep depression. I made plans for how to die and found the perfect way. It’s not so hard.

I almost ended up killing myself, but I didn’t. I looked up a helpline and was put on antidepressants.

I don’t blame my manager. She’s a small woman in an industry that doesn’t make it easy for her. She had to think of herself as well. The issue are the people who keep protecting the system, including me when I was working there.

It’s an industry where you’re not taken care of. You barely have any rights. They use and abuse you and play with your mind a lot. I don’t want to speak for others but that’s how it was for me. It was so many different little things, constant mental manipulation. They made promises they didn’t keep and kept telling me I would never find a better job. They got me to a point where I had zero self-esteem. That makes it easy for people to perpetuate the same behaviour because they never get confronted or held accountable.

“TO A DEGREE, I’M GRATEFUL FOR WHAT HAPPENED BECAUSE AT LEAST I’M OUT OF THE INDUSTRY NOW.”

Getting out was a very long process. The sexual harassment was just the tipping point. I’m pissed at them, but I’m more pissed with myself. I let them do too many things to me.

Honestly, to a degree, I’m grateful for what happened because at least I’m out of the industry now. Of course, I wish it had happened differently, but it put me in a better place. Not just work-wise, but also how I view the world.

I used to see the whole world through my bad experience in hospitality and thought it was the same everywhere. I didn’t think it could be better. But I was able to change my job and my mental health is better now. I’m lucky with the place I found. I have good working conditions and a supportive manager.

I actually get paid less but that’s fine because I’m not spending the money on drugs or alcohol or ordering food. With the new job, I have the strength to cook every day and eat healthy and do my things. I can go to the gym, I can do yoga. I can do all of this. I don’t always do but I have the option and that makes me feel much better.

*Name and image have been changed to protect his identity

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, you can contact the Samaritans on 116 123 or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK on 0800 689 5652. If you’re in the UK and need urgent medical help, call 111, or in an emergency 999.

If you’re LGBTQ+ and experiencing suicidal thoughts, you can also reach out to the lgbtq+ mental health service Mind Out UK for support.

If you have been affected by rape or any kind of sexual abuse, you can call Rape Crisis on 0808 500 2222 in England and Wales, 0808 801 0302 in Scotland, and 0800 0246 911 in Northern Ireland.

If you’re a male survivor of sexual assault in England or Wales, you can also call Safeline on 01926 402 498.